It's great to be here in beautiful Florida. Isn't she great, folks? We have such a lovely state, and we are all so very blessed to have her. (wait for applause)
I know many of you are thinking about that CPAC meeting going on up in our nation's capital, and while I love Washington and can't wait to get up there to represent (pointing) you, and you, and you, and all the great people of this beautiful state, I have to admit that our state is much more beautiful than Washington, isn't she? (wait for applause)
So I wanted to talk with you today about the so-called CPAC meeting. I really wish I was there to speak to our nation's conservatives, but I was not invited after I was booed last year and came in dead last in a straw poll. I desperately wanted to go this year, but by them not inviting me, I guess they were saving me from a terribly embarrassing situation. So instead, I am here with you today sharing this beautiful, crisp, February north Florida weather in this, our Republican Party of Florida Headquarters parking lot to address all of you loyal supporters on our brand of "conservatism." On what it means to be a Charlie Crist Republican.
Can you all hear me okay? I'm sorry if you can't. Since we weren't sure whether or not the Republican Party of Florida headquarters would have its power cut off, we decided against renting a sound system for today's event. Speaking of which, let's all give my friend and soon to be former hand-picked RPOF Chairman Jim Greer a round of applause (point to JG, wait for applause). Hey Jim, thanks for everything you tried to do for my US Senate campaign as RPOF chairman. I'm proud to have stood by you despite everything you did to the party as a result of helping my campaign. Hopefully next time, if we have a sound system, you can serenade us! (wait for laughter)
Well my friends, I know I am not as popular as I used to be, which is surprising given that the only time I ever took a stand on anything meaningful was when President Obama came down to our beautiful state to promote a trillion dollar spending bill called the "stimulus." I always knew that all the darned thing would do is stimulate our national debt, but hey, Obama and I were pretty popular back then, and I sure as heck wasn't about to put my approval numbers in jeopardy by cutting state spending to what I should have. I can't stand having people angry at me over a tough decision like that, you know.
So yes, I courageously went against every Republican in the country and campaigned for the stimulus so the federal government would give Florida some borrowed money from China to make my last two years as your governor a little easier on me. That helped me keep my focus on raising money for my Senate race instead of all that governing stuff. I know the stimulus money runs out after I leave the governorship, but I'm fully prepared to let Bill McCollum deal with it. I have full confidence in him. Or Alex Sink. Or whomever.
So while people are in Washington yapping about what it means to be a conservative, I would rather talk about what it means to be a Charlie Crist Republican.
And what, you may ask, is a Charlie Crist Republican?
A Charlie Crist Republican cares about today and not about tomorrow, when he will be in Washington and not have to deal with the consequences. A Charlie Crist Republican fights against tax increases, but supports fee increases. A Charlie Crist Republican acts tough on corruption, unless the corrupt happen to donate to, or run the RPOF. A Charlie Crist Republican appoints liberal, anti-gun, ACLU-backed justices to the Florida Supreme Court, but talks tough on crime.
Caputo, thanks for coming out today with your camera. Good to see you.
A Charlie Crist Republican criticizes socialist policies, except when it comes to property insurance. A Charlie Crist Republican is willing to reach across the aisle--often--and is proud to put on the other team's jersey. A Charlie Crist Republican hosts global warming conferences--on non-primary election years. A Charlie Crist Repub... Gary! Great to see you! Thanks for your RT the other day!
As I was saying, a Charlie Crist Republican thinks cap and trade is great, unless he has a primary challenger who puts the breaks on it. A Charlie Crist Republican chooses good Republicans to fill vacancies around the state--only during primary election years. A Charlie Crist Republican embaces and welcomes the President of the United States, unless the president happens to be a Republican. A Charlie Crist Republican says he's against the expansion of gambling until he's for it. A Charlie Crist Republican is pro-life, but is against enacting laws that protect the sanctity of human life. A Charlie Crist Republican is for traditional marriage, but is against the Republican Party funding any marriage amendment campaigns. Lastly, a Charlie Crist Republican campaigns for his party's nominee for president, unless passed over for vice president.
In short, on a host of issues, a Charlie Crist Republican says one thing and does another--and accuses his opponents of the same thing, even when he knows it isn't true.
In conclusion, I want to thank all seven or eight of you for showing up here today. Even though there are several thousand people up there in Washington, please don't believe the cockamamie stuff coming out of that phony conservative get-together. We're the real conservatives gathered here today, and Marco Rubio is a lousy human being for having the audacity to run against me. So please, vote for me, a Charlie Crist Republican--for the future of our party!
Of course, this speech is a parody.